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March 16, 2011
TCA Writers Group - Prompt One
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Just to give some commentary (like the rest of the group), I drafted then edited this on my AlphaSmart Dana. I did this out of necessity, as I wrote this in a couple different parts, different days, while watching the kids play (and sometimes participating). I typed this on my Hermes 3000, earlier, in order to post it here (as I really like only posting typecasts on this site).
ReplyDeleteFinally, to the story, it popped into my head pretty soon after the assignment. It reminded me of a scene I wrote in my 2009 Nano that really didn't get a chance to be fleshed out.
Oh, man, do I identify with the narrator! The difference is that I'm on the other side of the counter from young women I can safely assume are half my age. It makes no difference, because the old guy still trips on his tongue and the girls still look at him like he's an idiot.
ReplyDelete>"I'm reading because I enjoy to."< That is a tricky bit of grammar and syntax, possibly because it ends in a preposition. Of course, putting a phrase like that in the mouth of the cashier implies she really is literate.
You know, I changed that bit of dialogue before I typed it. After draft and edit, it was: "No, this is not for a class. I'm reading because I enjoy it."
ReplyDeleteIIRC, I changed the first sentence up because I thought the original sounded to formal. No idea why I changed the "it" to "to", probably just a typo. I have a tendency to not be able to leave something alone when all I should be doing is copying what I've thought through:)
Thanks for reading and commenting!
I'm pretty sure you watched me do this exact thing at a local used bookstore. Only instead of water it was a stack of vinyl LPs and a few paperbacks!
ReplyDeleteI like the way the girl talks...you can almost feel the snarkiness - and reading Dante only cements the fact that she KNOWS she's too good for a lowly cashier job. I think I love that detail the best.
And the description of the action of the man is spot on. You didn't seem to miss anything.
All in all - great job! I just want to know what brought him into the store and what kind of store it was.
Thanks, I wanted to get that snarkiness through just her dialogue and actions, so I'm glad you liked it.
ReplyDeleteAs for the store, its a run-down convenience store, think a 7-Eleven without actually being one. I used to live near one and always hit it up for the cheap slushies.
And why was he in there? Well, he only lives a few blocks away in a crappy two room apartment and after checking his fridge for something to eat or drink, found some condiments and a box of baking soda. He was thirsty, so down to the convenience store!
I like your cashier. :) One of the best things to hear is someone breaking the grammatical rules, and knowing that they're breaking the rules, rather than just being ignorant.
ReplyDeleteTook me back to my college days. Are we all males so far who are doing this? Then I presume we've all been in this character's shoes before . . .
ReplyDeleteI like how at first I thought he was on a date. Good job getting inside his head then, with the wishful thinking.
Rereading that first paragraph, yeah, that could have been a date, too. It could have also been the store manager training a new hire, now that i think about it. So does that add or retract from the piece, i.e. not knowing the situation?
ReplyDeleteI specifically mentioned "new girl" to give a feeling that this guy was a regular customer, but the only other reference I might make to that fact is that he is "walking" home, so he must live close.